you rock!

(http://thekimd.tumblr.com/post/63881529/meandworld-via-dummydonuts)

sad and cute

(http://lib.store.yahoo.net/lib/yhst-11870311283124/orange-zoom.gif)

my snowman

(http://www.hoffmanyork.com/hy/holiday/2008/, thanks priscilla)

play work

by joe sayers (http://www.jsayers.com/thingpart/thingpart5.html)

notes

recently,

• aches and pains. three-day migraine, itchy throat, runny nose.
• sublime. coffee and donuts, seriously. chicken pot pie.
• floss more. dentist visit, cavity filled.
• tired. weekend was one long work day.
• yoga. motivation from lauren to get out of bed. worth it. join me, perhaps, for rusty well's candlelit new year's eve kirtan at yoga tree sf.
• angry at, i can't remember what.
• moving. need to find new place. living with matt, tabled.
• hell. union square and macy's.
• holiday party. foreign cinema, did not drink enough.
• nerd. star trek, the next generation.

probably missing something.

some things change, some things stay the same

i got to looking at my pictures

THINGS CHANGE
EXHIBIT A: hair changes
(pictured left to right: carol with long hair, michael with long hair, matt with no beard)

EXHIBIT B: gas prices go up (and then down, sometimes)
(gasoline in fort worth, texas 2004)













EXHIBIT C: we sleep in different places...
(pictured left to right: texas, berkeley, palo alto, menlo park, san francisco)
























THINGS STAY THE SAME
EXHIBIT A: my family is still great, and we still eat at my fave chinese restaurants in dfw
(pictured left to right: mom and dad at kiran court, carol and michelle at ren ji)













EXHIBIT B: i still talk to my friends, who are still great though they tend to move away
(pictured roughly from left to right: kat drew jessica harry tracy sammy rob naureen terry)



























EXHIBIT C: high five, an ancient form of expressing happiness!
(matt m. and carol on the beach, 2007 and 2008)












EXHIIBT D: the same things make me smile
(riding on fuzzy animals, blue bell ice cream, and kite flying)

serious stuff

in my head:

• love doesn't mean very much without commitment.
• and commitment is real only when you're willing to give up something.

i think i'm right.

thanksgiving is my favorite holiday

• thanks. i like the idea a holiday that is dedicated to appreciating what we have.  i'm thankful for my loving, supportive family with whom i had a chaotic four-way call today.  i'm thankful that i can still trace friendships back to my childhood, that there are people who share my view that friendships can be more than convenient, temporary relationships.  i'm thankful that there are so many caring people in my life.
  
• cooking.  i like making food for people i love.  in my mind, cooking shows you care.  it totally makes my family, my family, and by extension i am the same way.
  
• texas.  i miss it, and i miss the gang.  people in california don't appreciate pecan pie the way texans do.  and, they mispronounce it as 'pee - can instead of pu - 'kan.
  
• turkey 3.0, great success.  happy to catch up with eugene alicia harry jose brendan sydney eddie stephen.  simplified menu of arugula and tomato salad, turkey n' gravy, fennel-mushroom-prosciutto-pinenut stuffing, roasted garlic herb potatoes n' squash, sauteed green beans, pecan pie, wassail, and cheese 'n grapes.  yummy contributions of cupcakes and enchiladas. 
  

weekending notes

last weekend:

• animation film festival
• made mushroom ragout and polenta;  dumplings and the works with friends.
• shopping

 

this one:

• eating.  little star, suppenkuche, city view dim sum, indian oven
• hiking.  land's end.
• reading nyt aloud.

 

cut and run

i've developed this reaction to boys in the past couple of years:

 

-  the urge to bolt as soon it is not easy

-  but i'm uneasy when it's easy

 

run before he runs from me.

managing your parents

some jumbled thoughts:

 

-  preemption.  call your parents before they call you.  do this whether you are 15 or 50 years old.  this prevents random calls on say, a friday night date.  tell them enough about your life for them to feel like they know what's going on.

-  don't upset them.  one friend approaches it like this: "i don't bother letting my parents know i live in san francisco [they think she lives in safe suburbs].  why worry them?  they are old and have worked hard -- i don't want to upset them."  i'm not sure i agree. generally, i feel like transparency is a good thing.  but i see her point -- why potentially upset your parents especially if you don't see them very often.  if keeping the peace means pretending large parts of your life don't exist, so be it 

-  partner / friendship.  i'd like to think, instead, that my parents are friends and potential advisors.  they have a lot of wisdom, even if it's based on the world 20 years ago.  so i mine my mom for her perspectives on things like:  how to move forward in times of uncertainty, how to do finance stuff, how to decide if someone is your life partner, and deciding when is a good time to have children.  i'm not sure if the partnership approach is good either though -- it may be inviting too much commentary.

my little pony

i did three things this weekend:

 

- sleep 12+ hours a night

- play little big planet

- make crepes and cookies

 

goings-ons

briefly and uncreatively,

• kicked the gre
• barcelona.  lots of gaudi stuff (even the science museum managed to link natural shapes to guadi).  enjoyed a crazy three-nozzle shower and tentacled food.
• fuck casablanca.  gave toll man euros and dollars, stopped by two police officers, lost for long time.  no monies paid, eventually we figured out where we were and three hotels later, we found a bed.  nothing to see but this mosque. 
• end of the road.  two day drive through pretty mountain pass (tiz 'n tikcha) and palmtree-lined desert (draa valley) to the end, where we spent a couple nights in the desert.  lessons learned -- camels hurt buttocks; sandstorms no fun; mint tea is really sweet; do not underestimate kia's ability to go off road; picking up man off side of road could lead to a tour of the kasbahs and an invitation to carpet-seller's home; say "en-sh'allah" every few sentences.
• looped back to marakesh -- softer hills, trees.  random little hike.  drove through foggy (and scary) mountain pass, tiz 'n test, which led to the sunny side of the mountain.  slept at quaint places in the country, slept at a beautiful place in the city.  best meal of morocco.  fireplaces are fun.  street food in the square and on the streets.  matt's hairs cut and hammam.
• thought a lot about my and matt's dislike of bargaining, why we travel, why we travel to developing countries, and a lot more but i can't remember.

 

weekend

lazy weekend.  shalimar, studying, eiji, drinks with ravi andreas, blue angels on the roof, biking around golden gate park, decompression.

work lessons

(soft) things i've learned from working:

• set and manage expectations.  if you can, be the first to set a deadline or to propose a way of doing things.  otherwise, you are giving away power.  scale down what people expect of you, then overdeliver.
• communicate, over-communicate if necessary.  tell people (above and below you) what you're doing and how you're progressing, frequently.  know what other people are doing, how they are progressing so you know how to help them. 
• take care of yourself first.  always carve out a set of responsibilities for yourself.  make sure you accomplish what you said you would do before helping anyone else.
• communicate at the right level.  think about what your client, partner, manager, associate, support staff, outside vendor cares about, and communicate the things they need to know.
• purpose.  it's important to understand the purpose of any set of tasks and to question it if it doesn't make sense.  ultimately, you want to give someone what they want, which is not always what you are told to do.
• fix misunderstandings immediately.  there's really nothing worse than miscommunication on a project.
• staying late consistently is nothing to be proud of.  it means (a) you are being overworked, (b) your project is mismanaged, or (c) you don't make life outside of work a priority. 
• be reliable.  answer the phone, respond to emails, be on time.  always. 

i know these things are really basic.  and i think a lot of them are good things to practice all the time.

the weekend post

• music.  sigor ros, iron & wine.
• sick.  maybe i'm growing a brain tumor behind my right eye.  i would name it fred.
• yes we can!  i am a gre study-bot.  i think it would help me more if i magically re-learned how to follow directions.  two more weeks.
• brunch with the girls.

low key, just right for me.

wknd report

feeling sleepy, feeling thirsty.  don't know why.

 

watched debate.  camping a bit south of big sur -- pretty stars, good food. 

 

a little buggy and headachy this weekend.

 

need to figure out when is the best time to go home for the holidays.

rush to the end

it's the end of september, and i already feel the rush to get to the end of the year. 

gre, spain-morocco, palm springs retreat, turkey 3.0 party, thanksgiving, holiday party, christmas, new years.  

 

it feels hard to get anything new done or to change directions in the fall-winter.

notes

• brunch with matt at mama's, brunch with girls at frisee
• sushi-zone and orbit room
• cartoon art museum
• studying

palin, pt. 2

i'm elevating my response to the palin post comments: flora, naureen, and michael discuss here.

i don't disagree with any of their policy-related comments. i don't think i agree with palin on any issue. and i would never vote mccain-palin.

that said, there's something really nice about her "story", especially pre-gibson (which i didn't watch, but i read about). that's not a reason to vote for her, of course.

but it's interesting to think what about her tugs at my heartstrings? her story, not as a some politician, but as a working mom who "gets" things that people face day to day. politics start at a boring, local level -- people want their children to have educations, they want a stable source of income, and they have to reconcile their beliefs with their actions every day. her "story" shows that. yeah, it's mostly spin, it's anti-intellectual, it's suburban-rural (and therefore anti-me), but even knowing that, i still like her. or maybe i like that story.

when i say she's not to be dismissed, i don't mean that we should take her policy stances seriously. i mean that a lot of people feel connected to her, and there's something to that. that's it really.

re sexuality and achievement
maybe it's an old fashioned feminist kind of thing to think, women have to make choices that men don't have to face because of their sexuality. many women make serious decisions to slow down or stop their careers because they want to have children -- they are paid less, they advance slower, they take positions with less responsibility. (men do too but i still think to a lesser extent, and there's the physical burden of 9 month pregnancy.)

re palin is like bush in worldview
probably, yes. bush doesn't tug at my heartstrings, though. i don't know if he's ever tugged anyone's heartstrings, which is the difference. she has cultural appeal. for me, it might just really be because she's a strong woman.

solid

• eat.  shalimar, pancakes, applewood, pomelo.
  
• educate.  learning the ropes.  the videos are fascinating (and funny) in so many ways.
• bike.  wobbly but alive.
• suburban-ize.  sun tour, keplers, yogurt stop.  how do i manage to still go back to the south bay so much?
• party.  rude cosmos and company.
• catch.  the police found us in a park.  after sunset.  in the car.  like we were fifteen or something.
• study.
• clean.
  

sarah palin's appeal

michael pointed me to two well-articulated articles on the subject here and here. 

 

thoughts?

 

 

 

 

here it is, the weekend post

relaxed week, relaxed weekend:

• l'ardoise, man on wire, and sitting on my roof with matt
• kookez for brunch and gre studying
• climbing, picnic in dolores park, bi-rite ice cream, spain-morocco planning, and thai take out.

i like this pace.

 

brain, thursday edition

• smiling.  i finally figured out why i dislike one of my co-workers.  it's because he never smiles!  what about smiling makes us trust or like people?
• bed head.  when i sleep alone, i sleep in the middle of my bed.  it took about a year to feel comfortable with that.  feels good.
• tactless.  i've been, perhaps, a bit impatient and insensitive to a couple of friends about relationships in the past few weeks.  maybe also abrasive and uncompromising.
• lesson learned, again.  no matter how correct and timely your work is, if it is poorly packaged (typos, inconsistent formatting) it'll get picked apart.  note to self, take the extra steps to really finish things.
• jealousy and the fear of abandonment.  hard feelings to deal with.  what can you do with it except to try to let it go?
• doing it.  i yelled excitedly to michael last night, "i have a new life plan!  i'm going to take the gre!"  then i realized, that's not a life plan, but that's thinking 2 months in advance, which is more than i usually do.  small steps, right?

let go

i did it, finally!

for me, it was mainly about letting go--not getting so hung up on thinking about how it might be scary, not really thinking at all.

:)





busy work week, nice weekend:

• skydiving with sydney
• gregoire, love at first bite, and cheeseboard with sydney; met up with alicia and eugene
• universal cafe and simple dinner with matt
• sleeping in, marin hike, barbeque, and talking with matt
• catch up with parents
  

brain, wednesday edition

today, a mix:

• school.  how do career considerations fit with educational plans?
• money.  how much is enough to live comfortably, to feel financial secure, and to have a family?
• leisure and travel.  how do i balance that with possibly having to work very hard, going to school, or not having too much money. 
• matt.  he is always kind of lingering in the back of my head.  will i be able to figure all of this out and come up with some solution that keeps him in my life?  i try to consider my career stuff without thinking of him but it's very hard. i keep reminding myself:  career stuff is important to me, and i have to make my life the way i want it.  that's the only way i will be happy in the long-term. 
• overcommit.  i have a hard time estimating what i'm capable of doing.  i either think that something can't be accomplished, or more often, believe that i can do it all.  i can do it all, but not without sacrificing being a stable-happy person and sleep.
• priorities.  i can only pay attention to three things at once.  right now it's my current job, matt, and future job/education stuff.  that means taproot and my friends have slid off the radar:  my list of people to call back and volunteer stuff to do keeps growing every day.
• desperation.  summer waning.  strawberries and peaches about to be gone.  and apples, forever!  noooo...! 

 

 

carol's brain, tuesday edition

today i'm grappling with how to map who i am, what i want, and the skills i have onto the career world:

• breadth versus depth.  do i want to stay at an overview, consulting level? do i want to be part of an issue-specific organization?
• impact.  at what level do i find meaning in helping people or changing things? one on one?  operating within a particular agency?  on a policy / advocacy level?
• function.  on a functional level, what kinds of things do i enjoy doing (regardless of what the organization does)?  reading/writing, data analysis, coordinating the efforts of multiple teams?  what am i actually good at?  what areas can i make reasonable improvements in and what areas am i hopeless to even try?
• not-for-profit.  making an impact != not-for-profit. i don't hold the view that corporations are inherently evil in some way.  i don't think i have to go non-profit to make an impact or to find meaning in my career.  i worry, actually, that after my experiences of being able to demand something and have it done quickly, i wouldn't enjoy it in non-profit land.

these are really hard questions, and i don't know how to answer them.  but i'm trying not to let the inability to have all the answers and the perfect plan stop me from moving in some way.

carol's brain, monday thoughts

• intellectual challenge. i know it sounds bad to say, but i don't know if i need this from my career. i don't think pure problem solving is really my strength, and it certainly doesn't motivate me to do a good job. like anyone, i get some amount of satisfaction from figuring problems out (proofs, puzzles, games), but ultimately those things don't really matter to me.
  
• perspective. i like trying to see / experience / understand life and people in novel ways. it motivates me to do random, uncomfortable or slightly off-beat things. i think it has something to do with intellectual curiosity but not necessarily. maybe it's:
• life is a game. not a game to make money, but a challenge to see the world in as many ways as possible, to appreciate all kinds of people, to find beauty where it isn't obvious.
  
• "getting" people is an exercise in empathy. i want to be able to empathize with and relate to anyone.
• hedonism. sometimes trying-it-out and pleasure-seeking intersect. that's okay by me; i've always liked sunshine, blankets, and things that delight the senses. but i don't think i'm ultimately motivated by the pursuit of pleasure, and i don't ever want to be like that.
  
• non-negotiable. the contrast between eric-carol and matt-carol is pretty stark. it makes obvious what was missing between me and eric, that level of emotional connection. i knew it then: certainly enough people told me along the way that we seemed to be more like activity partners than romantic partners. i wasn't convinced that it mattered very much: after all, things felt good and i could be the kind of person i wanted to be around him. i wonder what things, if any, are non-negotiable to me for romantic relationships.
• transparency. it's really important to me. i understand that people want to protect themselves and control information. it's really not my style though, and when my close friends don't reciprocate, i feel a little bad. but that is them, and i'm me--we're all different. i want to live without secrets. i want to be able to tell people how i'm feeling / what i'm thinking, and i want to trust my friends.
  

everything changes and it doesn't really

• procrastination. rummmaged through cards / letters / postcards that people wrote to me from ancient times (2001-2005) to procrastinate from job searching.  (i did it!)  i don't know why i can't get myself to do things, especially important things.
  
• youthful exuberance, sunshine, and homemade stuff.  they were mentioned in the ancient artifacts from above.  like i'm still 5 or 10 or 15.  or 20 or 25.
  
• buni quotes justin on change, that it's something we should accept positively, not to fight: we change, our circumstances change, and so do our relationships.  especially at life-change, transition points.  makes sense.  i watch multiple relationships deteriorate under those circumstances, and i worry.  why worry about uncontrollable things?  i worry anyways.
• amartya engaged, matt m buys a house, naureen moves to london, kat moves back to the bay area, michelle starts ut.  when we grow old, the decisions we make are more serious.  myth? 

weekending notes

• wordless music
• eating:  veg lasagna, blueberry pancakes, blue plate, bourbon & branch, tangerine
• hairs cut
• trying to get my act together.
  

low key

i had a low key weekend after my high-stress work week. 

 

-  delicious things eaten:  ferry building goodies, tanpopo, french toast, chez maman, pancakes

-  laying around fire:  on the beach and in my bedroom

-  talking with matt, endlessly.  i like it.

-  watched serenity

-  work.  it feels like all i do is eat, sleep, and work.  so tired.

 

looking forward to work slowing down, so i can can do the things i want to do.

 

 

twenty-five alive: a mid-year review

although i didn't make explicit goals on my 25th birthday, i actually had a few.  they follow the theme of twenty-five alive!

• skydive.
• let eric go. without anger or malice.
• bring more art into my life.
• determine a cornerstone exit plan and execute it.
• take a real vacation.

i think things are coming along.

notes

1.  asian boy quadrant.  the racial and gender composition of my close friends breaks down very roughly:

 

girls (35%):  white: 10%, asian: 80%

boys (65%):  white:  50%, asian: 50%

 

i think a lot about the asian-girl and white-boy quadrants.  it occurred to me today, though, that of the asian-boy category 80% are fob east asian boys, not born-in-the-united-states asian boys.  (80% of 50% asian boys of 65% boys =~ 25% of friends)  i wonder why that is.

 

2.  no more cornerstone events.  i feel like my time to have fun with coworkers is over, and that's a-ok with me.

 

3.  the week ends.  with kayaking, dolores park, esperpento, koi palace, work and woman inc.  and like the weekend, it's just up more hills.  oh well, hills are okay too sometimes.

 

 

 

 

unfocused, scattered

i feel really unfocused, scattered right now. 

 

it's not like the feeling of being lost, 2005

or doing things that i know aren't really for me, 2006.

it's not feeling despair and failure, 2007.

 

it's feeling like i can do anything, but wanting everything. 

 

it reminds me of priscilla.  at one point earlier this year, she said randomly, "keep it together.  i'm a strong, smart woman.  i can do it all."  i say the same thing to myself when i walk to work.

feeling good, vol. 3, iss. 4

• made.  mushroom ragout and polenta.  gingerbread.
• summer fruit, farmer's markets.  figs, plums, peaches, pluots.
• east bay love.  strawberry canyon fire trail, lawrence hall of science, indian rock, and cheeseboard.
• pictures taken.
• girls brunch at greens and wandering / chatting with sydney.
• books.  comics and city planning.  self-help books about career changes and networking.  why not?
• battled mold, mildew, and dirty floors.

friday, i'm in love

• high five.  matt's high five blog.  an article in wired about the art of high-fiving.
• soft spots.  i have a very soft spot in my heart for menlo park, where everyone knows your name.  also, eagle scouts, little star pizza, berkeley, endearingly nerdy boys, boys that play instruments, kittens, libraries, and blankets.
• sweetness.  matt is really thoughtful.  he brings back wildflowers from his camping trip, fills an ipod with music that i like, buys back a beautiful dress that i returned, cleans my car when i'm away, and a lot lot more.
• life.  nice conversations with roommate michael, officemate matt, and coworker lisa about what they think is important in life, milestones, and compromise.
• pretty.  mates of state and stars.  thanks, buni.
• not-for-profit.  the job search is on.  fine, it's been on for a long time. 
• me.  trying to spend more time on me.  i think i need a lot more by-myself-time than most people.  or socializing is exhausting.

i'm dying

i spent the weekend trying not to curl up in a ball and die from:

• the 200+ mosquito bites on my body
• stomach pains and accompanying unhappiness
• a strange bump that appeared on my thumb
• random eye swelling

it's actually not that bad, i'm playing a little bit.  :)  the good news is that i'm still alive and feeling better every day.  trying to fight anti-socialness;  it's so tempting.

peru notes

• salkantay ("wild mountain") trek, the backdoor path to macchu picchu.  85 km but with horses, horsemen, cooks, and a guide.  camped between snow-capped mountains, descended into the cloud forest and jungle, bathed in hot springs.
• altitude sickness, toenails falling off, and mosquito bites.
• rafting-paddling in cold-tame water.
• bargaining lessons from bonnie, gavin, and hanson.  smile, flirt, take off your sunglasses, beg, make up a story. 
• more incan ruins:  pisaq, q'enke, saqsewaman
• crossing picket lines and blockades, in attempt to get to ollataytambo.  mixed feelings. 
• reprimand from terry -- don't let boys and careers become tradeoffs. i reacted with the usual defensiveness about my life choices.

weekend notes

recap:

• good eats:  spinach lasagna, spaghetti carbonara, beef stew, chocolate, bacon egg burritos, ad hoc
• camping / motorcycles:  despite forest fires to the north and south of the bay, matt managed to find a spot out in mendicino national forest.  nice to be outside.  nice to spend time with matt. 
• we wandered onto private property, and long-haired man on atv, with a gun in his holster yells at us. "who the hell are you?  we get poachers, we get people trying to grow dope."  his partner shows us pictures of a bear.  "maybe i didn't do the right thing, but i've got a pet that could kill you, and i don't want the rangers killing my pet.  it's dangerous to be walk around here."

thinking about:

• how i've started prioritizing who i want to spend my time with.  i don't like it very much;  i want to think that i can care about everyone, that my friends aren't a zero-sum game.  time is so limited though, and i often feel like i don't have time for people i already know and for myself.
• the art of storytelling.  when is it appropriate to take so much attention, who we tell our stories to, what makes a story compelling?
• what i want to accomplish in the next five years.  work- and life- wise.

experienced analyst training, summer 2008

i missed round one last year but caught round two in boston this weekend. highlights:

• playing hooky with annie
• going on a silly scavenger hunt where we serenaded strangers, danced on bar counters, and asked red sox fans to let us take pictures of them.
• catching up and talking with johann at dinner; also on saturday night instead of partying; also on the airplane. we talked about: david beckham's ability to remake himself and various soccer clubs; american versus international sports; the roots of malay; the malaysian school system; religion and the legal system in malaysia; ethnic tension; dignity and the workplace; growing up in malaysia; our families; disciplining children; inner-city urban youth culture and issues that boys and girls face specifically; the bronx; living in east palo alto; legitimacy / credibility in non-profit work; travel; roommates; siblings.
• lunch and hanging out with katherine in her natural environment: paramount and the charles river, the public gardens and ice cream :). we talked about boys, lab work, friendship and flakiness, travel, and our siblings.

i was afraid that i would feel lonely because my closest cornerstone friends weren't with me: eugene, priscilla, whalen, terry, lauren, vinay and many many more. but really, i felt okay. it's good to be back, though.

battery-powered friends

i was curious about vibrator ownership and usage among women my age, so i took an unscientific survey of my friends via gchat, email, and telephone. results below:

i was surprised at the low rate of ownership, but maybe my sex-and-the-city-type impressions are incorrect.

keep left: st. john usvi, summer 2008

naureen posts a different reaction here, which made me feel a little sad. i don't know if we've worked it out. i guess we (meaning michael, matt, naureen, and i) are always working things out.

i feel like i've been talking with a lot with people, like really talking not just chatting. it's nice.

weekend update

matt, eating, work:  dolores park and monk's kettle; toast, work, yoga and my tofu house; made breakfeast, kite flying talking on the beach hike and sunset in pacifica, chow.

feeling good, iss.3, vol. iii

nice slower weekend, though i'd be happy to turn it down some more.

• cafe mums and sip to send off terry eugene
• shalimar cantina wii with matt a. and company
• universal cafe with brunch girls, union street fest with lauren, yoga
  

terrrry

tonight is terry's last night in town and this is how i feel about it:

 

while i watch terry empty out his apartment (these past three out of four days), i try to tell him how important he is to me.  he responds with mostly sarcasm and an occasional i know how you feel, i feel the same way too.  there's nothing i can say/do/give to him which doesn't seem trite, so i just try to share space and time.  what else can i do?

for me, he's a bit of continuity from berkeley to cornerstone.  we met in statistics 21 office hours in fall 2002 (prof. purves, who is totally awesome by the way) and kept running into each other on campus.  for a while, he was my blackhole aim buddy with whom i shared music.  we fell out of contact for a year or so but ended up working at the same firm.  we suffered on the same project (never working directly) for two years, recruited kids from non-stanford/berkeley schools together, but mostly we were friends outside of work.  actually, we didn't really hang out much until i moved up here in september.  and most of that time, he was applying to b-school / trying not to be depressed about it.  anyway, terry is someone i love/trust very much.  i hope this isn't the end. 

buni

writes in her blog about the truths/fictions boys have about her: "better on paper than in person," "cordial but not genuinely warm to strangers, current affairs-oriented and not ensconced in the beauty of art, the lust of life." 

 

i don't know.  yes, she's amazing on paper, but i think she's even better in real life.  the naureen i know is beautiful, maddeningly contradictory, detached yet warm, defiant, strong and vulnerable, empathetic, caring, self-absorbed, angryangstylonely, creative, really fucking smart and totally awesome.  she:

• jumped off a twenty-foot cliff into some water even though she didn't know how to swim.  wandered around the woods with me even though she's in love with cities.
  
• did donuts in her silver integra in a high school parking lot because it's thrilling to drive in circles.
  
• hosted a zaireeka listening party because hearing different music from all directions delights / disorients the senses and mind.
• tried to convince me to quit piano and join her philosophy club so we could talk about nietszche.
  
• calls me some times.  usually we talk about boys and how they hurt us.
  

i wonder how we are friends.  naureen is cloudy-gloomy, and i always want the sun to shine.  i wonder if i met her now what i would think of her and whether she'd think i was too "corporate" to be friends with.

 

i think we believe / understand some fundamental things though:

• it's okay to be hesitant/unsure
• things are complicated
• sixteen, clumsy, and shy, that's the story of my life
• this isn't all there is and if we are honest with ourselves we can figure it out
• blue bell ice cream and pecan pies are delicious
  

ma79

he has a name, and it's matt.  i like him. a lot. 

 

that's scary. 

 

 

feeling good, issue 3, vol. 2

i didn't go into the office like i said i would.  spending friday night there was enough.  a good memorial day weekend:

• girl's day with annie and priscilla:  brunch at the chef and butler (very bad service, never going again); thai massage; bloomingdales; korean food
• lazy sunday brunch, board and video games at my place with pete terry lauren joanna john brendan dan alex.  i need more days like that.
• thirty-six hours with ma79.

feeling good, issue 3, vol. i

active, outdoor weekend.  i'm not really sure how it could be better.

• date with self.  yoga, dinner, bubbles, candles, facial, music, and a movie.
• (almost) last adventures of terry lauren carol.  swimming, making breakfast, hiking around muir woods, and party.  thinking about how many weekends we've spent together since i moved to the city -- almost every one.  i guess as cornerstone's longest-standing single people, we naturally ended up hanging out a lot.  i put them on my list of people i will always be friends with.
• eight hour date turned into twenty-four hour date.  (it's not as scandalous as it sounds.)  being scared of ma79 doesn't stop me from hanging out with him.  riding around on his motorcycle and wandering point reyes. 

hide 'n seek, vol. 2 and more

i was thinking about a gchat conversation with naureen (feb. 20), where we talked about (not) wanting more from our romantic relationships. interestingly, we both reacted to the 136 line conversation here and here, which makes me smile.  i'm always holding something back.

 

*   *   *   *   *

on a somewhat related note, also thinking about the importance of sex in relationships, a theme of several conversations in the past few months. 

 

a.  it's important.  my friend asked randomly and angrily, "do you remember you told me four years ago, sex is really important."  me, "it still is important."  i don't know why he is so angry.  recently, he sneers, "are you just doing this to get some?"  i don't know why he would think that, and even if it were true, why that would be worth trying to make me feel bad.

b.  to what extent?  another friend laments his sex-less relationship and wants to break things off (not just because of that, but you know, sex is important).  i feel bad for everyone.

c.  understanding no sex before marriage.  i used to think people who believed it were silly and kind of hypocritical.  worse, the rule was actually harmful.  i've come around to understanding it, sort of. 

• there's the religious variety:  if you believe the stuff, you should follow the rules, right?  so right on, for following your principles! 
• there's the keeping it special variety:  you want to do something special with your partner.  i think that makes sense.  although, i don't see why it couldn't be another activity, like rock climbing or skydiving or gardening.  :) 

d.  how we represent ourselves.  there's this question on that dating site, six things you couldn't live without that i didn't answer.  okay it's easy:  food/water, sleep, sex, sunshine, friends/family, and hmm, i don't know the last one.  maybe music or books?  i didn't want to get the wrong kind of people though!

People Watch

Related to social games. I'm trying to pay more attention to people, especially when I forget my books and magazines on the MUNI. It's a fun game.

- I love watching women transform themselves with makeup. There's the before and after change aspect and the product / technique aspect. But it's also about catching someone when they're wholly absorbed in themselves. You know -- apply, check, apply, check... correct, smile, done. The people who do it on MUNI rides tend to be younger girls who have too many products, though, which makes me sad. Sorry if that's a little weird.

- You are what you eat. Okay, I'm a little judgemental at grocery store check out lines. I try to keep my disapproval in check when I see lots of boxed/canned foods. Afterall, I like and eat a lot of crap too. It reminds me of a time when I bumped into a friend with ice cream and rootbeer in my hands. Nothing to feel guilty about, but I felt like he caught me :)

- Looking at one aspect of someone's dress and wondering what it means (if anything) about them. Sometimes it's shoes, though I'm just not good with shoes. (I probably own fewer shoes than most men.) Lately, it's bags -- purses big and small, canvas bags, messenger bags, backpacks, laptop cases, briefcases.

- I get off at Castro station. I like to guess who else is going to get off. Sometimes it's about checking out their body language. Sometimes it's trying to figure out the probability that someone is gay.

Anyway, fun things to wonder about.

more

• mari heather going away at blur
• field day with margaret and friends
• hung out with terry
  
• hung out with ma79
• yoga and catchup with lauren
  
• great china with jimmy harry and kristjan. i'm very pleased with my meal. brainstormed social boundary-type games:
  
• try to touch the other player for as long or as many times as possible without them noticing. an interesting exercise because it forces you to think about the way we touch each other, what we notice and don't notice.
  
• theivery. take objects from the player. can be with a specific object or any belonging carried on the body. like touching, but maybe slightly less weird.
  
• trying to get people (who aren't playing) to say certain words in conversation without you saying it.
  
• trying to work as much sexual innuendo into conversations with people (who aren't playing) as possible.
  

note

• sanjay told me about a class he's taking:  their final project is to do something that they've always wanted to do but never did, which is awesome!  that's how we should live, every day.
• another reason to like watermelons:  they're so messy :)
  
• i figured out what i like about yogachurch with rusty wells on sundays.  it's actually not about the yoga.  there are better vinyasa classes:  ones that are slow, deliberate, but still flowing.  9am bhakti is just too fast.  i like the chanting, the little speeches about giving to others, and the killer ab workout.  also, it doesn't hurt that rusty and his assistants have amazing bodies ;)
• sometimes i joke that i don't have a heart left to share.  but recently, i feel like the more i give, the more i want to give.  it makes me happy.

recitation, vol. 2

• date with ma79. i'll just smile to myself.
• climbing with jimmy, lindsey, and lauren. i can still make a fist, but the sides of my ribs hurt.
  
• dinner with michael, nam, lindsey, and erika.
• brunch with the girls.
• work.
• janet stone's radiant flow yoga class. relaxing.
• michael made fresh pasta...because he purchased a pasta machine. it might be the best pasta i've ever had. i made asparagus and mushrooms. mmm, delicious.

recitation

• movies, sweets, and falling asleep with terry
• mom came and went
• really great chinese food at yi tiao long, which serves qing zheng food; also mayflower
• learned how to make soy milk
• wandered around with sanjay, who told me to stop feeling guilty about not liking people.  also, he probed about my non-existent sex life.
• dinner and catch-up with eugene
• finished the buddha series.  excellent.

i didn't take advantage of the weather.  that's okay though.

shopping

some women like to buy clothes and makeup.  i like shopping for wierd stuff:

• the east bay vivarium is disgusting yet totally awesome.  you can buy creepies like snakes, lizards, and spiders.  or you can buy friendlies like turtles.  but you'd better get your stuff fast!  looks like a lot of critters are sold out.
• i stumbled upon the prices of body bags while i was looking around for medical supply costs.  you can get a deluxe body bag, for the great price of $48!  it looks like cyanide antidote kits run at $400. 

exciting stuff!

modern times: my online dating adventures

i thought, why not?

 

it's a world where facebook-ing counts as friendship, personal blogging is like venting to your best friend, and g-chat is the same as catching up over coffee.  actually, that's not really true.  at the least, it's a world with so many more ways to communicate, so here's to an experiment....

 

here is my profile, if you're curious.  i'd be happy to hear feedback or suggestions :)

 

i'm thinking baseball here:  if a home run is meeting in person, then third base is chatting, second is an email, and first is looking at a profile or tagging someone as a favorite or giving the person a rating.  i've made it to second base, but third seems a little too fast after 3 days.  come on, i'm a lady... ;)

 

some things i've learned or wonder about:

• i'm using okcupid.com, which is a free website.  i remember it dimly, from my days at berkeley as the place where you took the purity test.  so, if i were REALLY serious about dating, i think i would go to a pay site such as eharmony, match.com, or yahoo personals.  i feel like people will be much more serious if you commit them to pay money, even if it is a nominal amount.
• i tend to respond to almost every message i receive.  whatever, it's just email.  however, this is not reciprocated.  i'm at 0 for 3. 
• profile making, selecting pictures, and writing emails are a fine art.  i've not perfected it, and i don't really care to.  in fact, it creeps me out just a little when someone has an outstanding or in-depth profile.  seriously, you have the time and energy to answer 2,500 questions or take 100 personality tests?  (i suppose though, i have time to pound out blogs on a pretty regular basis; or i have time to post on a dating site anyways :P)
• i can project a very different version of myself through words and pictures.  and so can everyone else.  it's hard to know what version of people to believe.
• so far, two categories of people have messaged me:  a.  white boys from the south who are grad students at berkeley (2)  b.  older-ish professionals who live in the suburbs (3 or 4).  i indulge with category a, if only because we can talk about blue bell ice cream and hot summers.

that's it.  i'll let you know if i ever make it to home plate.  i guess my adventure would not be complete, or even an adventure at all, if i didn't meet up with at least one person.

sunshine

i am generally optimistic these days.  like, i can do this, even though i don't know what "this" is. 

 

maybe it's easier to feel this way when the sun shines every day.  (that's deceptive though, as michael likes to point out.  it's still ridiculously windy and cold.  i like windy, just not cold.)  there are good things to eat, like peaches and strawberries; great books to read; new music to hear; fun places to explore; sun dresses and skirts to be worn; no shortage of things to learn; arts and crafts to be made; shows to watch; friends old and new to spend time with. 

 

people are going to school, round 2, and i feel okay/happy about it.  another list: 

• a hair cut to lighten it up
• barely drinking with michael mark and erika
• hollywood chinese, my hot date with rew
• napa with lauren and walter - ubuntu, great wine, and family time
• catch up with drew over little star pizza
• brunch with the girls
• cherry blosson festival with kammy and sydney
• john adams

looking forward to sunshine and beaches.

weekend notes

the weather was nothing short of glorious last weekend. sorry to be boring, but a list so i don't forget:

• thin blankets, open windows, and waking up with only one care in the world: how to enjoy the sunshine?
• into the wild, in bed ;)
  
• inspired by that tale of wilderness survival (nor not), i took an urban "hike" with terry, where we subsisted on in-and-out, crab, and gelato
• checked out yuri's night with joanna, john, and brendan
• shira's birthday get together
• yoga with lauren and kayley
  
• brunch and gossip with beijing kids nan, shay, and rew
• golden gate park, recombined. dan kayley terry lauren
• rewind. long, catch-up conversations with close college buddies: rob in la, sammy in shanghai. also, mom and sister. i had forgotten that i'm a phone-talker and always have been. that's pretty old school, huh? i doubt people younger than 10 make a habit out of calling people up to chat.
  

investigating: nonprofit consulting, ischool, social philanthropy

rewind, fastforward

this is jason wang, a childhood / family friend. i sat next to him at flora and ian's wedding last month.

when i was five, i:
a. chased him around at church
b. told his mother that i would marry him. (i believe he's engaged to be married :)

it cracks me up because i used to chase a lot of boys: there was brian miller in second grade, kevin west in fourth grade, and apparantly, i would sometimes call boys and tell them that i thought they were funny.




this is michelle, my sister. what can i say, she's sophisticated. she takes after me :)

o k

i max out my 401k,

and opened a roth ira,

i take calcium and vitamins every day,

i figure...i should be okay?

serials

recently:

• buddha by osamu tezuka
  
• john adams miniseries on hbo

midnight yoga, foreign cinema brunch, thai temple, wandering.  still finding little treasures in berkeley and san francisco :)

finding happiness in little things

i love how new, inky highlighters glide over pages so smoothly.

a silly vibrator

neutrogena's new  "wave power cleanser,"a vibrating facial cleanser, cracks me up.

dad and mcdonalds

i had mcdonalds for breakfast this morning -- sausage egg mcmuffin with no cheese and a chocolate milk.  i thought:

• my dad, sister, and i used to go to mcdonalds on sunday mornings while my mom slept in.  we would share a "deluxe breakfast."  dad would read the paper and drink coffee.  michelle would get syrup all over herself.  it was a fun ritual :)
• at the end of my "spring break" vacation in texas, my dad told me -- vacation goes by so quickly, and i'm sorry we didn't really get to talk. i know what he means.  but what can we possibly say to one another?  how do we tell people that they are important to us?  i don't really know.
• i have a strange food-oriented perspective on life.  i like to cook and eat, a lot.  it's satisfying to know that i can make something.  it's nice to be able to share and make food for people i care about. there's an element of ritual and stability about it that i like too.

burn the nightclub down (old 97s)

i was mean toward a friend who acts kind of pathetic.

i shouldn't have -- i know it is very hard when your closest friends move away and you feel lonely.

it reminded me of one friday night last summer. at the end of the day, eugene suggested that we (me, him, priscilla) grab dinner after work. both priscilla and i were not enthused, but we went anyways. eugene was lonely; we were lonely too. it reminded me also of playing games with dan and john. their girlfriends had left for the summer, and i would hang out with anyone. (anyone who knows me knows that my top favorite social activites include dinner and board games. so it's not that i wasn't genuinely interested in hanging out!)

i guess the point of this ramble is: -1 point to carol for not acting with more sympathy. people have held out their hands to me, and i should only do the same.

my mom totally rocks

i think it's awesome that my mom has started spending more time on her artwork! dealing with two kids and a traveling husbund must be so hard, but she's managed to do it all. some slightly blurry photographs:

aeroplanes

designer font

trouble with a capital T

today, my sister and i saved the universe from king bowser's reign of tyranny. we liberated princess peace and restored freedom and democracy to all critters of mario galaxy. our eyes were tired, our thumbs weary, but our hearts strong. it was difficult, but we stayed the course and prevailed!

many things were said, like:
- "this is the moment to shine. oops, now is not the moment."
- "up is down and down is up"
- "RUN!"
- "eeeeee..."

high five!

happenings

things happen, but i don't do anything, at least nothing of substance.  the days just fall through me...

• i fought the law and the law won:  two parking tickets
  
• arts and crafts:  sfmoma with terry, west 32nd at the intl asian american film fest wtih garett and company.  my sketch pad and charcoal pencils still is on the table, unused.
  
• dinner at the beach with john joanna
• brunch with the girls
  
• roommate bonding:  band of brothers, dinner and drinks with michael
• yoga with lauren
  
• visitors:  manisha (how different our lives are), garett (moving on up), and coming up, katherine
• partee:  whalen's going away, rew's gathering, and heather-ravi-yuri's birthday bash.  a note so i don't forget, priscilla's birthday as well.

one for mr. freud

i dreamt that my lower retainer (glued permanently to the back of my teeth), fell out. 

 

okay, it didn't just fall it -- it was torn out (why?), along with some of my teeth.  broken wire remained in my mouth, though, and it scraped my tongue and the inside of my cheeks.  ouch.

 

a quick survey of the internets tell me this means i am a. worried about my appearance and b. worried about embarassing myself. 

 

 

lulu

link me!

i get caught up on the internets sometimes.  my usuals are nytimes and slate.  some recent internet reading:

• the sartorialist, introduced by priscilla.  pictures of fasionable people.  fascinating.
• an off and on staple, bookslut.  they've got a list of nifty comics in 2007. 
  
• t-shirt design sites, threadless and shirt.woot.
• pg-13 celebrity gossip at popsugar from irena.
• a dominatrix's weblog at the smith diaries.  really fascinating.
• webcomics:  indexed, xkcd, perry bible fellowship, and sizematters.

i should really get away from the computer.  but the internet is endlessly fascinating.

indulgence

sorry, i know it's indulgent in a sixteen year-old kind of way. i thought it was kinda of cute.

hide n' seek

diary writing

deep in the heart of texas

it passes too quickly

so i don't forget what i've been doing, the past few weeks:

• random show at cafe du nord, with john joanna brendan erem
• lunch with advisor. interesting things were said, including:  my six month development goal should be to ask a man on a date;  when the time is right, i should feel free to ask her for a phone number to a therapist.
• chocolate, jewelry, and wine with heather lauren and roberta
• making sandwiches for homeless people in the tenderloin
• bartok and shostakovich with terry
• yoga and more yoga
• cafe cacao with harry and melissa.  as usual, harry went on about his program for success.  it included lengthy discussions about perfume, yoga, and a fuck it attitude.
• dinner and dessert with drew
• dinner with john
• cheering/jeering at michael's (in)ability to kill aliens via x-box 360
• pomelo with lisa kevin chris terry sachin
• finished jimmy corrigan, the smartest kid on earth by chris ware and bone by jeff smith.  i liked both.  began book of essays by joseph epstein.
• there's no plan like home.  bought red walking shoes.
• dinner with shay adam sarah and others
• party at chris'
• running and errands with terry

okay productive.  okay fun.

happy valentine's day, to all my girlfriends

recently, i was reminded of allison moe, my freshman roommate -- how she is super-cool, how we are very similar, and how we tragically never became close friends.

it made me think of all of my girlfriends, past and present; i wondered why i have far more boy friends than girl friends now, why the girl friends i do have tend to hang out with boys as well, and why i've neglected my relationships with other women.

i know valentine's day is a lovers' holiday, but to start correcting for years of neglect, i wanted to note the women who have been (and are still) important to me. as much as i complain or seem to despair, i think often that i am very lucky.

reaching way back, here we go:

• flora lee and the other girls that i ran around with when i was three or four. flora likes books. i like books. enough said!
• kimberly chu, another early friend / family friend. the texas chinese-american women connection runs deep and strong ;)
• reena and erin, my montessori kindergarten and first grade buddies. okay, i barely remember them.
• becca bench, who befriended me in second and third grade, when my family first moved out to colleyville and did not know anyone.
• amanda ecklund, laura metzler, and jennifer martin in late elementary school and early middle school. we lived in the same neighborhood, walked to school together, and watched tv / went swimming after school sometimes.
• jennifer king, kimberly cheng, and monica lee, the family friends who lived closest to me. sometimes we hung out at the mall, sometimes we just talked on the phone, especially on slow summer days.
• vivian wang throughout all of middle school and high school. we shared paranoia, anxiety, and silliness.
• naureen shah in high school, who introduced me to the smiths, tried to get me to quit piano and join her rogue philosophy club.
• tracy tom in college, who always listened and had a kind word.
• allison moe my freshman roommate. we never had heart to hearts, and i regret that.
• katherine chen, my sophomore roommate who is always up for an adventure, and i also think a "kindred spirit" of sorts :)
• after college, there are women i met through cornerstone: shira pinnas, lisa leung, annie lee, priscilla tan, and lauren iacocca. there are the brunch girls: kammy lee, yihyun lim, and kristin ishii. there is also joanna gubman.
• importantly, there's my mom and my sister.

there are a lot of others. anyway, for the women who read this, thank you and happy valentine's day!

(p.s. sorry for being a little sentimental.)

ick

i read an article last night encouraging single women to stop being so picky and to just get married before it's too late.  it made me feel generally bad even though i already believe most of the things the article points out -- relationships are compromise, love is about commitment not passion/romance, no one is perfect, etc.

 

i was just trying to get the scoop on the presidential primaries, not trying to get commentary on my life.  i suppose it is my fault for taking it so personally.  i should have known better than to check the atlantic, which published a logically-hard-to-follow piece supporting obama.  i should be able to dismiss this the way i can dismiss the obama piece.

 

when enough people bother me about this stuff though, it's hard not to feel bad.  i fell asleep with a sense of desperation that i don't think i've ever felt and woke up in a generally bad mood that even the sunshine has not been able to make go away.

panic on the streets of london

maybe this is unprofessional, i don't know. here we go.

i. what i do

i work at a finance and economic consulting firm. we primarily provide litigation support, but also conduct limited public policy analysis. this means when firms sue each other over economic-related matters (for example, intellectual property, antitrust, securities fraud, breach of contract), we help law firms retain professors or industry leaders to weigh in because they are "experts" in their field. as part of their opinion, the "expert" usually conducts some kind of analysis, which is what i work on. this kind of niche service exists only because the american legal system allows for outside, "independent" testimony from "experts". think forensic scientists in oj simpson but with less blood.

ii. what i really do

i sit at my computer. i go to meetings. i put together excel models. i work with datasets large and small. sometimes i write small programs. i watch youtube. sometimes i run lots of regressions or datamine. i read a lot. sometimes i summarize information into memos or reports. i post on my blog or chat on gmail. i delegate work. i teach younger analysts excel tricks, how to get the cases they want, and how to stay organized.

iii. what does that have to do with the world

well, it is an unglamorous but lucrative part of the legal process. any major piece of economic-related litigation, (think microsoft antitrust, enron bankruptcy, martha stewart insider trading, marsh bid-rigging, and lately, subprime mortgage stuff), will eventually go through the firm. the legal process is slow, though, so most of the issues i've dealt with are big news items... from the late 1990s or early 2000s. and since most law suits don't go to trial, the analysis i do is often used by attorneys to pressure the other side into a settlement.

iv. what's wrong with that

a lot and nothing.

most of what i do is unrelated to what is going on now; it's about not-so-interesting history. everything is backwards-looking and a little abstract. i don't produce anything. i help part of the legal process go. (i'm not sure that is so great.) you could argue that we leach money off of attorneys, who leach money off of firms. (a lot of these lawsuits are kind of crap or free-for-all grabs for money.) i don't know if that "adds value" to society; it might actually subtract value.

i also wonder if what i do is very ethical. i've run thousands of regressions to find a model that is favorable to the client. sometimes we go backwards -- start with the "right" number, then come up with an economic justification for it. afterall, you can justify anything.

i don't object to the organization itself. if i created an organization, i would hope that it could be as well-run and thoughtfully managed as this one.

if we can put a man on the moon, surely i can win your heart

gregory, this guy i dated very briefly, im'd me yesterday.  he told me about this cooking show's theme song, which reminded him of me: "you can do whatever you want, make yourself feel good."  to him, i am happy-optimistic i suppose.

i spent much of today sulking at work.  i don't really know where my bad mood came from or where i should have redirected it to.   the day started badly with my officemates' bad moods, falling asleep on the couch like an old man the night before, waking up in the middle of the night because i dreamt that one of my friends raped me.  it was made worse by my indecision about weekend plans, a random question from matt, a general sense that maybe everything i value is wrong, and depressing conversations with coworkers. 

i feel irritated that i am affected by other people's negativity and pessimism.  people are so quick to complain.  i understand it's a way of bonding, but eh.  i finally hashed it out a little with matt, who reassured me that i'm not an alien to think the way i think, even though i often feel like i am.  have more confidence, right?