if we can put a man on the moon, surely i can win your heart

gregory, this guy i dated very briefly, im'd me yesterday.  he told me about this cooking show's theme song, which reminded him of me: "you can do whatever you want, make yourself feel good."  to him, i am happy-optimistic i suppose.

i spent much of today sulking at work.  i don't really know where my bad mood came from or where i should have redirected it to.   the day started badly with my officemates' bad moods, falling asleep on the couch like an old man the night before, waking up in the middle of the night because i dreamt that one of my friends raped me.  it was made worse by my indecision about weekend plans, a random question from matt, a general sense that maybe everything i value is wrong, and depressing conversations with coworkers. 

i feel irritated that i am affected by other people's negativity and pessimism.  people are so quick to complain.  i understand it's a way of bonding, but eh.  i finally hashed it out a little with matt, who reassured me that i'm not an alien to think the way i think, even though i often feel like i am.  have more confidence, right?

standards, revisited

i posted a few years ago about the stupidity of setting "standards" for the men you date.  it occured to me recently when a friend tried to introduce me to someone, that maybe i have standards too; they're just not of the 6'2", income greater than $200,000, top ten school-type of standards. 

here things that i note in my head.  they're not deal-breakers at all, just things that i form judgements about.  though, i have a hard time sticking to my often very mean judgements over time because i like most everyone, eventually.  it's a cool trick to see beautiful things in people :)  a list:

• was he in a fraternity?  was he in a business fraternity?  is he a banker?  this is a proxy for do you have a soul?  are you a tool?  just kidding, but not really.
  
• how much does he tip?  how does he treat service people?  i grew up with generous tippers.  we should always treat people who do things for us well.  actually, we should always treat everyone well, regardless of how they act toward you.
  
• does he have many close friends?  does this person form lasting, meaningful relationships with people?  is he empathetic?
  
• is he close to his family?  (too dependent?  does not care at all?)  how does he talk about them?  (appreciative?  annoyed?  too obedient?)  is he friends with his siblings? 
  
• how does he interact with my friends?  is he geniune?

products for women

i don't get this.  there are "petals" that you can buy to stick on your nipples in place of a bra.  according to the description, it uses medical-grade tape.  that sounds like it hurts!  what i don't get is why you have to tape up your nipples.  nipples are kind of fun; why do people feel like they have to hide them?  though, i can see the appeal of putting flower shaped stickers on your body, like a temporary tattoo.

there is only one brand of tampon that does not have an applicator, o.b.  what does o.b. stand for?  i have no idea!  i'm a big fan of this product.  they're easy and friendly, or as they are marketed, "mighty. small."  :)  i think they're more popular outside of the u.s. than in the u.s.

my officemate priscilla introduced me to this makeup store, sephora, which i had never heard of before.  i'm less resistant about it these days.  i figure, i should at least know how to pick it out and apply it tastefully, yah?  so i've been playing around and trying to get it right.  but i feel very self-conscious about it: it reminds me of being 13 or 14 and hating how i look.  eh.

i have $21 in library fines

i know, i'm an irresponsible kid. 

 

age twenty-five is hardly kid age, huh?  recalling birthdays past:

• 18.  tried, disasterously, to "do stuff" with multiple people.  lesson learned.
• 19.  coerced friends into eating ethiopian food.  robert, jimmy, and benny had raw steak, and it hurt their stomach.
• 20.  kat-initiated a nice surprise, thanks!  glad my residents supported their friendly neighborhood health worker.
• 21.  sedate, still great.  pearl milk tea and settlers with close friends.
• 22.  quiet dinner with family.  a little lonely.
• 23.  wandering around a beach with kat.  low-key dinner.  kat brought the girls, i brought the boys.
• 24.  dim sum... and then some.

i'll keep you posted on 25.

hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work i go...

this is what i thought about when i drove to work this morning:

• how do i calculate damages to bondholders?  shit, did i do it correctly?
• the person in the left lane is driving 60mph.  i hate him.  oh, it's because there's a highway patrolman.  thank you, slow driver.
• will i be able to con a friend into eating yogurt with me?  yogurt is delicious. 
• i should eat more calcium and go to the gym.
• i like the cult of rusty wells, who teaches "bhakti yoga," the "yoga of devotion" on sunday mornings.
• as much as i love electrelane's album, "no shouts, no calls" and spoon's "gagagagaga," it's really time to get some new music.
• my reading list is really long.  additions since december 2007: bastard of istanbul, little women, the nine, and robert haas' new book of poetry.  how will i ever get through them all?
• what if i see eric in the office today? how will it make me feel and am i okay with that?  why am i still reluctant to go to parties where he might show up?
• i read a compilation of people's lists at a bookstore this weekend.  one person wrote, "what if my life is not extraordinary?  does that mean i'm a failure?" i've often felt like too.
• wondering which friends i would stick with if it "came down to it," and coming up with a prioritized list (ridiculous) of people i would defend / stay loyal to.  besides my family matt tops the list.  then thinking, i bet he is at the top of many people's lists.  he is everyone's best friend.
  
• often, i think i care more about people than they care about me.
  
• thinking about a younger coworker's remark that i am naively optimistic.  that's not true, is it?
• should i call john to see what he wants from starbucks?  but if i call, he will know that i'm not in the office even though it is 9:45.
• i should wake up earlier.  i should get a new job.
  

hugs not bugs

• it's easier to hug people i don't know than people i am close to. in fact, i rarely hug my close friends, and when i do, i just feel awkward.
  
• i try to hug my sister. we both end up patting each other on the back and laughing.
  
• i think about how often i've tried to say goodbye to people and end up waving vigorously instead of leaving with a hug.
  
• you gotta worry about a lot of things! one arm versus two arms. arm placement -- do you do an equal hug (one arm under the other person's arm, one arm over the other person's arm) or the more intimate both arms around the neck or waist?
  
• there is the drunken hug. in my case, it's one arm around the waist and my head on (usually) her shoulder. i'm bad at conveying affection, but there it is!
• the hug i am worst at is the sympathy hug. people do it to me sometimes -- one arm with a rub on the back. it's nice. i can never pull it off for other people.
  

• on a somewhat related note, i found a silly book, seduction, that my roommate michael gave to me many years ago. it's about seducing boys. it makes me laugh because a. it's a retarded book and b. he now says roommate variations of the things he's been saying for years (think, "i hope you come home with a boy" or "i hope you sleep in someone else's bed tonight").
  

notes

• iowa.  obama hasn't won me over yet.  of "electables," i'd still vote for clinton.
• un-fashionable.  80% of my clothing are solid-print.  20% are floral patterned.
• ants.  they came, they saw, they conquered my kitchen.  at least for a couple of days.
• bored games.  life, the game sucks.  don't let me convince you to play.  we will both regret it.
• music.  i chant in yoga, people sing in church, the best shows make you feel alive!  it makes you fully experience the present , according to some brain research. 
  
• schizophrenia.  wondering why i express so much anger to texas kids but not to anyone else in the world.  i'm like two different people, and i don't want anyone else to know.  i guess we're all kinda complicated and contradictory.  or maybe it's just me.
  

how it became 2008

it never happens with much fanfare. this year, i tried to fill silence in lopsided conversation. okay, i didn't try too hard. naureen typed hard questions and long answers on her laptop. i replied.

we played boggle, discovered our ayurvedic personalities, i ate her ice cream, she drank boost!, and she fell in and out of drug-induced crazy-sleep while michael and i completed aunts and butlers. couldn't think of a better way to start the year than with close friends, just hanging out.

if fishes were wishes

my parents have this hanging in their house. i like it a lot; it might even be a new year-type sentiment. it means something like peace is fortune.

my sister rocks

good times with michelle, including:

• optimal high five strategies. i learned, for 100% accuracy look to the elbow. try it, it works.
  
• knitting
• making aiyu jelly
• preparing christmas dinner
• super mario galaxy
• a solemn promise to go mountain climbing when i am 60 and she is 53
• our shared love of indian and korean food. also, chocolate.