magic and mayhem: a lulu christmas

welcome to our house!

executive chef, carol lu and her team of slackers: michelle lu, diana yu, and joseph yu
the menu: strawberry spinach salad, rack of lamb with mint-basil pesto, roasted garlic herb potatoes, steamed asparagus, corn casserole, and sweet potato pie


i don't do numbers. okay, i guess i do for a living.
fear shot through our hearts when we had to multiply by 1.5. thank goodness for calculators.


joseph cut

diana and michelle sampled


mom wore her monkey socks


michelle performed an interpretive dance about roasted lamb while i roasted lamb.


here's a plate for you!


photo booth: michelle and diana are scared


photo booth: mom and dad


photo booth: the family, fobby asian style


two lus. can you tell us apart?

santa brought a lump of coal because i was bad this year

that's a lie. i've been trying to write a 2007 year in review post. so you and i both know it was a bad year. all was not lost, though:

• family to be thankful for: texas three times. i always knew my family was cool, but i realize it more and more each time. also, i realize where my wierd quirks come from! this year was about trying to be a friend to my mother the way she is to me. helping out michelle and keeping up with her life. initiating phone calls to my dad, regularly.
  
• friendships to be thankful for: renewed friendships with brunch organizer kammy, roommate michael, ex-boyfriend matt, childhood friend flora. people i know through eric (among them, brendan, john, joanna, daniel) did not turn away from me. my officemates, priscilla (who keeps me motivated and forward-looking) and eugene (who makes me laugh and is honest). there are many others, and that makes me very lucky.
  
• general sociability, partly out of lonliness but mainly to try it out.
• at work, the case that made me want to cry every day went away. on new cases, i've had opportunities for responsibility and leadership.
  
• yoga and swimming
  
• a san francisco flat
  
• a lovely road/camping trip

sleep is for the weak

admittedly, i like to sleep. 

• weekend recap: catch-up coffee with lauren, brunch with collin drew, shopping with terry, holiday party at margaret's, a tough yoga class, dinner with brendan joanna.
• more thoughts on yoga:  sometimes it's like a cross between what i imagine church to be like and the gym.  been reading more about the thinking behind yoga.  i like it a lot.
• eugene's bit of wisdom for the week:  lust is emptiness, emptiness is lust.  apparantly it's a chinese buddhist saying.
• the i'm-frugal-portion-control-vegetable-only diet is quickly coming to an end.  roommate michael laughs about my to-do lists and declarations:  they're not action items; they just let me to organize my thoughts and conveniently forget about them.
• leadership:  i'm really bad at it.  at least, i have a lot to learn.  i'm too permissive and indecisive.  also, i have a lot of trouble delegating work.  (i don't trust anyone and feel guilty for not pulling enough weight.)  people really catch on to that.  if they're opportunistic, they turn it against you.  if they have strong interpersonal skills and are very nice, they help you control the situation without taking control themselves.  it's really hard. 
• recently, i've been staffed on three cases where i am the most senior analyst, and the case has a tight deadline.  it's a wierd situation to be in since the expecation is that i will provide some leadership without having any real case knowledge.  people trust me to know what to do.

okay, i should finish writing reviews...

friends

when i recruit for cornerstone, i tell people this: every day i come to work i am happy to go hang out with some of my best friends.  this is the truth.

matt 1.0: why i try to keep it simple

flora comments on the eric post that he did not honor or respect a recently-ended relationship, which is a class a offense. be careful about dating me, whoever you are. you will become fodder for my blog...

her comment reminds me of the only relationship i tried to end, matt 1.0. it is classically carol. only i could fuck things up in this way: with the best of intentions, a perverse sense of egalitarianism, a liberal sprinkling of masochism and unhappiness all around. it makes me smile now because it is so ridiculous. at the time, i was miserable.

what i learned:

• i can't avoid hurting people no matter how hard i try.
• i shouldn't involve innocent third parties.
• the desire for physical gratification will overwhelm the myriad resolutions i make, including the self-imposed stalemate.
  
• don't pretend that things aren't happening. make commitments. and keep them.
• keep my life simple as simple as possible.

probably, i learned more than that. and i could tell it in a million other ways. whatever, it was a long time ago.

note to self, october 3, 2007 was a bad day

i wrote this a while back.  why keep it to myself, right?

thinking about eric comes and goes.  it's been coming back in full force lately, and i don't know why.  in those forty or so minutes every morning, when i'm not quite awake but not quite asleep, i replay conversations and events from a while back.  why does my brain do this to me? 

 

tuesday.  eric: i don't want to go on the ski trip. i'd rather go dancing.  carol: okay, you shouldn't go.

later, carol: is everything okay?  what's going on?  eric:  i don't know, i hope so.  carol:  can we talk about it after work?  eric:  okay.

even later, carol: what's going on?  eric:  do you ever want to see other people?  what if i go to school far away?  carol: sure, i have half a dozen crushes, but nothing real.  i dont' know about school.  ... eric: do you think i'm the right person for you?  carol:  i don't know.  all i can say is that things feel good.  ...eric: i need to go home and sort things out.  carol:  what's going on?  eric:  i should go.  carol: please stay.

 

wednesday or maybe it is thursday.  he doesn't come by when he says he will.  but finally shows up from 11:30pm to 11:45pm.  eric:  i walked around in the rain for a long time.  this is not going to work out.  carol:  why?  i don't understand.  eric:  i want to see other people.  carol: that's all?  eric:  i'm going to go.  carol: please don't leave.

 

it just occurred to me that every conversation i've had with him since march has ended this way:  eric: i should go.  carol: please don't.

 

these days, i feel upset that eric would choose to go dancing on a friday night with his now-girlfriend instead of sticking with our month-old plans of going to tahoe.  it's painful because it is pure rejection.  it couldn't be simpler. 

 

it depresses me in the same way that transient friendships (or really, relationships of any kind) depress me.  it seems, there's no one you can rely on.  we act in calculated self interest.  when one person no longer satisfies our immediate interests, we move on.  and so we have friends for different times and a succession of people we date.  the whole thing seems cruel.  and i'm no better.

 

it hurts to be told that you're not important or good enough for, i don't even know.  i suppose though, that i have rejected people in the same way.

 

anyway, i've spent an hour writing that.  it did not clarify how i feel and it certainly didn't make me feel any better.  i'll wander around a book store.  maybe that will help.

yoga

sometimes:

• in downward facing dog, my glasses fall off my ears... and onto the mat.
• i want to wipe off the sweat sliding down my back, but i'm trying to hold a pose.
• i am standing so close to my neighbor that he drips sweat on me.
  
• i fake it, especially toward the end.
  
• i don't chant when other people chant. it makes me feel uncomfortable. well, i'll chant ohm. that actually feels pleasant.
  

an ordinary weekend: dinner with eugene alicia; tartine with brendan; cornerstone holiday party (the pain was dulled by steady alcohol consumption); belated birthday lunch with harry (he advises: fuck a lot of guys. go to law school. stop whining. go to yoga); yoga.

people disappoint me, 2001 volume

two memories from colleyville heritage high school, 2001:

1.  before super-target was finished on glade road and highway 121, the developers put a big tarp over this mound of dirt.  when my friends and i passed it one night, we noticed someone had spraypainted, "hates fags" underneath a "class of 2001" banner.  later, michael took it down.  (ah, i remember too, that vivian had written a unrelated, but brave and controversial letter to the school paper about things we say that seem harmless but are not. think, "that's gay!")  needless to say, i grew up with rampant homophobia.

i remember how profoundly disappointed and ashamed i felt.  we are intolerant, ignorant, hateful.  it pained me to see a sign that read "class of 2001 hates fags"; from my experiences at school, it seemed true.  and i felt implicated for not doing my part to stop stuff like that.  at graduation, i wanted to center my speech around the incident.  instead, i watered into a characteristically carol talk about open-mindedness and tolerance. there was some part of my seventeen year-old self that believed that moving to california would make things better.  but, people are the same everywhere.  :)

2. back then, i cheated.  a lot.  not because i needed to.  i would still go over the problems on my own eventually.  my rationale had something to do with being disillusioned with school and showing disrespect to the institution.  what was i so upset about?  standardized testing, grades:  it was all a game to collect numbers, not actually to learn.  and that was profoundly disappointing.  people should be motivated to study because they are intellectually curious, not because they think they will get something out of it. 

i thought that people would be more motivated in a college setting, and to some extent they were.  but, inevitably, there were still the people who fish for "easy classes" and the easy a's instead of exploring things that were interesting or challenging to them.  sadly, there's too much at stake regarding the kinds of grades we make and what we study.


i don't know what the moral of those stories were except that i used to be pretty idealistic and disappointed.  i think i've lowered my expectations substantially in the past six years.  i have no energy for angry disappointment, just resigned disappointment.  also, i just smile at people's absurdities and try to understand.

floating around in my brain

recently:

• working hard.  cosmo magazine-like discussions with eugene and priscilla between sighs of frustration, questions about STATA programming, and sharing excel tricks:  the term "hooking up," is it inclusive or exclusive of intercourse?  does buying condoms jinx you?  what are the implications of bad kissing?
• related.  my mom offered one nugget of wisdom when i was fifteen and most of my friends turned from girls to boys -- boys, they only want one thing, and it's not friendship.  i didn't believe her at the time, but slowly, i think i'm starting to agree.
• commuting.  sometimes the clouds west of 280 look like they're caught between the hills.  i like that :)
• friendship and favors.  general disillusionment with people:  it insults me when friends presume they have to guilt me into performing favors instead of just asking.  if you're my friend, i'll probably do everything i can to help you out.  i carry so much guilt already, adding more is just mean.  it makes me wonder if all of our relationships are just exchanges of favors, and i'm stupid for thinking that it's anything more.  it also makes me feel defensive.
• natural menstrual products. the "lunapad" and "divacup," kind of like cloth diapers.  seems like a lot of work, but maybe cheaper and better for the environment?  what do you think?
• awkward.  i've come to think of social interaction as intrinsically awkward, and that's okay.  it doesn't seem to be okay with anyone else.  maybe i'm an alien!
• defeated.  trying not to feel that way.  writing holiday cards as a disciplining exercise. 
• rewind.  rethinking 2007 and comparing to years past.  not a good year, probably one of the worst, but then, my worst is better than a lot of people's best; i have good friends, a supportive family, and a job where personal development is considered important, and a nice place to live.  2001 and 2004 stand out as bad years as well.  is this a three year cycle?  previous bad years were defined by break-up, complicating friendship issues, moving/running away, moving on to a new school and job. 
• union meeting.  we aired our greivances at work today.  we're such brats.
• silly.  my dad used "lol" in an email.  my mom told me i'm unfashionable, that i look like i'm from the 1990s.

i say i'm okay, but i'm not

in a meeting last week, one of my coworkers put photographs down on the conference room table of my ex-boyfriend eric and his girlfriend karen. i must have looked agitated because she moved them away from me and flipped them over. we took a fifteen minute break, and i left for an hour and a half. how i felt, in order:

• despair
• betrayal
  
• jealousy
• anger at myself for feeling anything
• fear that no space is safe: not random clubs in san francisco, not a conference room in my workplace after he's left, not the interweb, nowhere within five miles of stanford
  
• the urge to cut out everyone in my life who is friends with him
• the urge to move farther away, like new york
  
• the urge to break a window
  

instead of acting on any of that, i drank some milk because i need calcium. then, i prodded my sister about college essays; went to drew's birthday party; flaked out on evan; ran errands; had dim sum with eugene alicia lisa kevin brian; chanted ohm at yoga; ate dinner with brendan joanna john; had brunch with the girls; and worked all day sunday.

i still had time to inflict self pain that included facebook stalking and replaying the entire month of february in my head. nothing really helps: talking to people about it, not talking to people about it, pretending like i have goals, etc. sometimes it gets better and other times a lot worse.

i don't know what it is that i can't accept or get my head around. i try to work things out by telling stories to myself and summarizing him into tidy lessons, but nothing really seems to work. people have suggested the following mistakes that i made (a few weeks ago, eugene made me cry during lunch because i felt like he blamed me):

• being too passive and trusting
  
• not keeping things spicy
  
• poor communication
• not being able to see the end
  

none of those things seem true. it is simply that he wanted to be with someone more than me, someone that understands or appreciates him better. that, is something i have felt before and understand: it is hard to want something for yourself and know that that hurts someone you care about. it's confusing to love more than one person. there's nothing for me to hate or to be angry about. this shit is complicated. somehow, i just have to figure out how to live with that; i haven't figured it out yet.

i explain this to people and they think i'm naive or good-hearted: you are too forgiving, you are too tolerant, you are too optimistic about human nature, you only see good things. i don't think those things are true. i have a long memory, i don't trust anyone, i start out disliking most people i know (it takes a long time to win me over).

i don't know how to work it out. i have no conclusions to draw about eric. all i know is that a while ago i felt like i had gotten one thing in my life right, and that it was the beginning to lots of other positive things. i guess i got it wrong like everything else.

recently, i've felt more and more bitter. also, vindictive. not against eric, just against men in general. i want to live my life a certain way and to try to look for the best in things, but i feel so let down and very tired. i don't have any next steps.