i wrote this a while back. why keep it to myself, right?
thinking about eric comes and goes. it's been coming back in full force lately, and i don't know why. in those forty or so minutes every morning, when i'm not quite awake but not quite asleep, i replay conversations and events from a while back. why does my brain do this to me?
thinking about eric comes and goes. it's been coming back in full force lately, and i don't know why. in those forty or so minutes every morning, when i'm not quite awake but not quite asleep, i replay conversations and events from a while back. why does my brain do this to me?
tuesday. eric: i don't want to go on the ski trip. i'd rather go dancing. carol: okay, you shouldn't go.
later, carol: is everything okay? what's going on? eric: i don't know, i hope so. carol: can we talk about it after work? eric: okay.
even later, carol: what's going on? eric: do you ever want to see other people? what if i go to school far away? carol: sure, i have half a dozen crushes, but nothing real. i dont' know about school. ... eric: do you think i'm the right person for you? carol: i don't know. all i can say is that things feel good. ...eric: i need to go home and sort things out. carol: what's going on? eric: i should go. carol: please stay.
wednesday or maybe it is thursday. he doesn't come by when he says he will. but finally shows up from 11:30pm to 11:45pm. eric: i walked around in the rain for a long time. this is not going to work out. carol: why? i don't understand. eric: i want to see other people. carol: that's all? eric: i'm going to go. carol: please don't leave.
it just occurred to me that every conversation i've had with him since march has ended this way: eric: i should go. carol: please don't.
these days, i feel upset that eric would choose to go dancing on a friday night with his now-girlfriend instead of sticking with our month-old plans of going to tahoe. it's painful because it is pure rejection. it couldn't be simpler.
it depresses me in the same way that transient friendships (or really, relationships of any kind) depress me. it seems, there's no one you can rely on. we act in calculated self interest. when one person no longer satisfies our immediate interests, we move on. and so we have friends for different times and a succession of people we date. the whole thing seems cruel. and i'm no better.
it hurts to be told that you're not important or good enough for, i don't even know. i suppose though, that i have rejected people in the same way.
anyway, i've spent an hour writing that. it did not clarify how i feel and it certainly didn't make me feel any better. i'll wander around a book store. maybe that will help.
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2 comments:
I will comment anonymously, though I know both you and Eric. While I do not claim to know the whole story between you two, in reading your blog, I think you're thinking about this the wrong way.
First, let people go. I'm sure you know that, but I'll just say it again. Let people go not just for you own sake, but to set the other person free. A break up due to change of heart is nobody's fault (see below) and the other person should not feel guilty about leaving you to pursue their happiness. I know this may sound cold, but it doesn't sound like Eric betrayed you or did anything malicious so I don't think he is guilty of anything.
Also, you say that there is no one you can rely on, that we act in self interest, and we have a series of friends and partners over time. This is not as bad as you make it sound. In most cases, this is a natural result of personal growth. Our perspective on life, interests, goals, and values naturally change over time. I'm sure you would not like the guy you had a crush on 10 years ago today because both of you have likely changed (if you still do, ask yourself if you still like the actual multi-faceted person that he is today, or do you like a narrow set of self-imagined / imposed qualities you have of him). And you may eventually come to appreciate qualities in people whom you did not like before.
In any case, we make new friends / partners and leave old ones because we've outgrown each other (for whatever reason). This is not a bad thing and there is nothing malicious about it. Eric breaking up with you is not a sign that you are not important enough, nor are changing his Friday night plans "pure rejection." Logic would tell you that is not a correct conclusion (kind of like seeing people carrying umbrellas does not mean it is currently raining). Eric has moved on and while that is not a happy event for you, things like this is a natural part of life. If you cherish your time together (and it sounds like you do), then be content that your lives touched and both of you have grown and were enriched by each other.
Remember who you are and where you came from, but don't hold on to the past too tightly or you may never grow up to fulfill your potential.
If I said anything offensive, I'm sorry. Feel free to delete this.
hi there,
thanks for leaving a thoughtful comment and reframing things. no offense taken. it makes me feel better, actually.
i agree with you 100% on eric stuff. the real problem is how do i work it out in my head and let it go?
on the rest, i'd hope to keep many of my friends for life. we all change, but it should be possible for some of us to continue growing together. however people grow i still care and want the best for them. i don't see that as clinging on to the past so much as maintaining a relationship. this has become really important to me in the past three years. maybe i don't explain it very well, or i'm conflating like, ten different things.
anyway, thanks for all your thoughts, guys. :)
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