terrrry

tonight is terry's last night in town and this is how i feel about it:

 

while i watch terry empty out his apartment (these past three out of four days), i try to tell him how important he is to me.  he responds with mostly sarcasm and an occasional i know how you feel, i feel the same way too.  there's nothing i can say/do/give to him which doesn't seem trite, so i just try to share space and time.  what else can i do?

for me, he's a bit of continuity from berkeley to cornerstone.  we met in statistics 21 office hours in fall 2002 (prof. purves, who is totally awesome by the way) and kept running into each other on campus.  for a while, he was my blackhole aim buddy with whom i shared music.  we fell out of contact for a year or so but ended up working at the same firm.  we suffered on the same project (never working directly) for two years, recruited kids from non-stanford/berkeley schools together, but mostly we were friends outside of work.  actually, we didn't really hang out much until i moved up here in september.  and most of that time, he was applying to b-school / trying not to be depressed about it.  anyway, terry is someone i love/trust very much.  i hope this isn't the end. 

buni

writes in her blog about the truths/fictions boys have about her: "better on paper than in person," "cordial but not genuinely warm to strangers, current affairs-oriented and not ensconced in the beauty of art, the lust of life." 

 

i don't know.  yes, she's amazing on paper, but i think she's even better in real life.  the naureen i know is beautiful, maddeningly contradictory, detached yet warm, defiant, strong and vulnerable, empathetic, caring, self-absorbed, angryangstylonely, creative, really fucking smart and totally awesome.  she:

• jumped off a twenty-foot cliff into some water even though she didn't know how to swim.  wandered around the woods with me even though she's in love with cities.
  
• did donuts in her silver integra in a high school parking lot because it's thrilling to drive in circles.
  
• hosted a zaireeka listening party because hearing different music from all directions delights / disorients the senses and mind.
• tried to convince me to quit piano and join her philosophy club so we could talk about nietszche.
  
• calls me some times.  usually we talk about boys and how they hurt us.
  

i wonder how we are friends.  naureen is cloudy-gloomy, and i always want the sun to shine.  i wonder if i met her now what i would think of her and whether she'd think i was too "corporate" to be friends with.

 

i think we believe / understand some fundamental things though:

• it's okay to be hesitant/unsure
• things are complicated
• sixteen, clumsy, and shy, that's the story of my life
• this isn't all there is and if we are honest with ourselves we can figure it out
• blue bell ice cream and pecan pies are delicious
  

ma79

he has a name, and it's matt.  i like him. a lot. 

 

that's scary. 

 

 

feeling good, issue 3, vol. 2

i didn't go into the office like i said i would.  spending friday night there was enough.  a good memorial day weekend:

• girl's day with annie and priscilla:  brunch at the chef and butler (very bad service, never going again); thai massage; bloomingdales; korean food
• lazy sunday brunch, board and video games at my place with pete terry lauren joanna john brendan dan alex.  i need more days like that.
• thirty-six hours with ma79.

feeling good, issue 3, vol. i

active, outdoor weekend.  i'm not really sure how it could be better.

• date with self.  yoga, dinner, bubbles, candles, facial, music, and a movie.
• (almost) last adventures of terry lauren carol.  swimming, making breakfast, hiking around muir woods, and party.  thinking about how many weekends we've spent together since i moved to the city -- almost every one.  i guess as cornerstone's longest-standing single people, we naturally ended up hanging out a lot.  i put them on my list of people i will always be friends with.
• eight hour date turned into twenty-four hour date.  (it's not as scandalous as it sounds.)  being scared of ma79 doesn't stop me from hanging out with him.  riding around on his motorcycle and wandering point reyes. 

hide 'n seek, vol. 2 and more

i was thinking about a gchat conversation with naureen (feb. 20), where we talked about (not) wanting more from our romantic relationships. interestingly, we both reacted to the 136 line conversation here and here, which makes me smile.  i'm always holding something back.

 

*   *   *   *   *

on a somewhat related note, also thinking about the importance of sex in relationships, a theme of several conversations in the past few months. 

 

a.  it's important.  my friend asked randomly and angrily, "do you remember you told me four years ago, sex is really important."  me, "it still is important."  i don't know why he is so angry.  recently, he sneers, "are you just doing this to get some?"  i don't know why he would think that, and even if it were true, why that would be worth trying to make me feel bad.

b.  to what extent?  another friend laments his sex-less relationship and wants to break things off (not just because of that, but you know, sex is important).  i feel bad for everyone.

c.  understanding no sex before marriage.  i used to think people who believed it were silly and kind of hypocritical.  worse, the rule was actually harmful.  i've come around to understanding it, sort of. 

• there's the religious variety:  if you believe the stuff, you should follow the rules, right?  so right on, for following your principles! 
• there's the keeping it special variety:  you want to do something special with your partner.  i think that makes sense.  although, i don't see why it couldn't be another activity, like rock climbing or skydiving or gardening.  :) 

d.  how we represent ourselves.  there's this question on that dating site, six things you couldn't live without that i didn't answer.  okay it's easy:  food/water, sleep, sex, sunshine, friends/family, and hmm, i don't know the last one.  maybe music or books?  i didn't want to get the wrong kind of people though!

People Watch

Related to social games. I'm trying to pay more attention to people, especially when I forget my books and magazines on the MUNI. It's a fun game.

- I love watching women transform themselves with makeup. There's the before and after change aspect and the product / technique aspect. But it's also about catching someone when they're wholly absorbed in themselves. You know -- apply, check, apply, check... correct, smile, done. The people who do it on MUNI rides tend to be younger girls who have too many products, though, which makes me sad. Sorry if that's a little weird.

- You are what you eat. Okay, I'm a little judgemental at grocery store check out lines. I try to keep my disapproval in check when I see lots of boxed/canned foods. Afterall, I like and eat a lot of crap too. It reminds me of a time when I bumped into a friend with ice cream and rootbeer in my hands. Nothing to feel guilty about, but I felt like he caught me :)

- Looking at one aspect of someone's dress and wondering what it means (if anything) about them. Sometimes it's shoes, though I'm just not good with shoes. (I probably own fewer shoes than most men.) Lately, it's bags -- purses big and small, canvas bags, messenger bags, backpacks, laptop cases, briefcases.

- I get off at Castro station. I like to guess who else is going to get off. Sometimes it's about checking out their body language. Sometimes it's trying to figure out the probability that someone is gay.

Anyway, fun things to wonder about.

more

• mari heather going away at blur
• field day with margaret and friends
• hung out with terry
  
• hung out with ma79
• yoga and catchup with lauren
  
• great china with jimmy harry and kristjan. i'm very pleased with my meal. brainstormed social boundary-type games:
  
• try to touch the other player for as long or as many times as possible without them noticing. an interesting exercise because it forces you to think about the way we touch each other, what we notice and don't notice.
  
• theivery. take objects from the player. can be with a specific object or any belonging carried on the body. like touching, but maybe slightly less weird.
  
• trying to get people (who aren't playing) to say certain words in conversation without you saying it.
  
• trying to work as much sexual innuendo into conversations with people (who aren't playing) as possible.
  

note

• sanjay told me about a class he's taking:  their final project is to do something that they've always wanted to do but never did, which is awesome!  that's how we should live, every day.
• another reason to like watermelons:  they're so messy :)
  
• i figured out what i like about yogachurch with rusty wells on sundays.  it's actually not about the yoga.  there are better vinyasa classes:  ones that are slow, deliberate, but still flowing.  9am bhakti is just too fast.  i like the chanting, the little speeches about giving to others, and the killer ab workout.  also, it doesn't hurt that rusty and his assistants have amazing bodies ;)
• sometimes i joke that i don't have a heart left to share.  but recently, i feel like the more i give, the more i want to give.  it makes me happy.

recitation, vol. 2

• date with ma79. i'll just smile to myself.
• climbing with jimmy, lindsey, and lauren. i can still make a fist, but the sides of my ribs hurt.
  
• dinner with michael, nam, lindsey, and erika.
• brunch with the girls.
• work.
• janet stone's radiant flow yoga class. relaxing.
• michael made fresh pasta...because he purchased a pasta machine. it might be the best pasta i've ever had. i made asparagus and mushrooms. mmm, delicious.