carol's brain, monday thoughts

• intellectual challenge. i know it sounds bad to say, but i don't know if i need this from my career. i don't think pure problem solving is really my strength, and it certainly doesn't motivate me to do a good job. like anyone, i get some amount of satisfaction from figuring problems out (proofs, puzzles, games), but ultimately those things don't really matter to me.
  
• perspective. i like trying to see / experience / understand life and people in novel ways. it motivates me to do random, uncomfortable or slightly off-beat things. i think it has something to do with intellectual curiosity but not necessarily. maybe it's:
• life is a game. not a game to make money, but a challenge to see the world in as many ways as possible, to appreciate all kinds of people, to find beauty where it isn't obvious.
  
• "getting" people is an exercise in empathy. i want to be able to empathize with and relate to anyone.
• hedonism. sometimes trying-it-out and pleasure-seeking intersect. that's okay by me; i've always liked sunshine, blankets, and things that delight the senses. but i don't think i'm ultimately motivated by the pursuit of pleasure, and i don't ever want to be like that.
  
• non-negotiable. the contrast between eric-carol and matt-carol is pretty stark. it makes obvious what was missing between me and eric, that level of emotional connection. i knew it then: certainly enough people told me along the way that we seemed to be more like activity partners than romantic partners. i wasn't convinced that it mattered very much: after all, things felt good and i could be the kind of person i wanted to be around him. i wonder what things, if any, are non-negotiable to me for romantic relationships.
• transparency. it's really important to me. i understand that people want to protect themselves and control information. it's really not my style though, and when my close friends don't reciprocate, i feel a little bad. but that is them, and i'm me--we're all different. i want to live without secrets. i want to be able to tell people how i'm feeling / what i'm thinking, and i want to trust my friends.