loaded

i try to keep things simple. i really do. texas, though, is loaded with meaning and history. or i'm a drama queen.

when i'm here, i hate who i am. i become petulant, i sulk, i am uncompromising. i'm inclined to make jokes that seem innocent but are really unforgiving comments about ancient history. maybe we (matt, naureen, michael, michael, amartya, vivian, and i) operate like the stereotypical family during the holiday season: we rehash our dramas and throw horribly personal barbs at each other.

after a nice thanksgiving dinner with the family and family friends last night, i did the high-school friend after-party bit at matt's house.

it felt eerily like a summer night from 2000: tequila shots, smash brothers in the background, promises of a warm hot-tub, kiran's tales of sexual conquest. it's hard to stand -- everything is the same but we are older; naureen flirts with matt; suzanne's pictures in his room; discussions about our career/school choices, spoken with the fear of disapproval. i told michael in the car, "i've decided maybe i should take hardline stances in my life. i hate matt. i can't stand him." that would be keeping it simple. unfortunately, i don't actually feel that way. i don't think i feel that way about anyone.

it's not as bad as it sounds. maybe it's just that we are close and care too much.